The top ranked article for a key phrase search for “Stay at home dad” Produced an article entitled Don’t Let Your Husband Be a Stay At Home Dad. What a shame…
Here is the article:
http://time.com/89992/dont-let-your-husband-be-a-stay-at-home-dad/
I’m going to speak in this commentary from my own point of view, based on the choices my wife and I have made to show the silliness of this article. It will also stand as an example of what one man thinks about people who presume to tell other women how the household should be run.
Maybe the author simply wanted to attract attention, and her choice for the title is rhetorical, but I’m still not letting it slide.
There are men at home for a large variety of reasons, and most of them don’t involve their women “letting” them. I’m certainly not going to waste my time spelling them out for people who write silly articles. The problem is, this is a Time magazine article. It gets a lot of eyes. It must be addressed. This is one Stay at Home, Homeschool Dad’s perspective.
The article begins.
The socioeconomics of parenting are changing. The number of stay-at-home fathers in the past decade has doubled since the 1970s to about 550,000 men, and that figure is expected to grow, especially as more wives take on the breadwinning role in their marriages and the cost of childcare holds intolerable for many families.
She doesn’t ask why. I do. Why are more men staying home ?
I currently earn more than my husband and have, at times, romanticized over him supporting us as the primary caretaker in our growing family.
This is common today. She married for love. It becomes obvious her sole concern is finances.
What mother doesn’t enjoy coming home to a home-cooked meal, clean house and bathed child?
Maybe mothers who define themselves by a traditional role of cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the children.
And more dad involvement is never a bad thing. The stronger the relationship between father and child, the happier the family is, according to a joint study by Brigham Young University and Utah State University.
I don’t need University Studies to tell me this. I grew up in an intact family with solid role models. None of my grandparents divorced. My parents never divorced.
Here comes the “But”.
On the other hand, though, quitting your job to be a stay-at-home parent carries a number of potential risks. And when that parent is dad, the drawbacks can, in at least one case, be graver.
I was wrong, it was an “On the other hand”.
What are the risks that haven’t always been there where anyone with children quit their job? She’s assuming “fathers” quit their jobs to stay home with the kids in a true role reversal. It’s true more men are staying home to be primary care providers, and though she’s trying to persuade you the financial risks are grave, I say those risks are far overblown. The grave financial risks are not from parents deciding one parent should stay home to raise the kids. The risks that come from a managed economy, distorted by regulation and a fraudulent banking system, are a far bigger financial risk to families than Dads as primary care giver. More men at home are a testament to the success women have achieved in pursuing careers outside the home.
Just as one might hesitate to advocate for women to leave the workforce to become a stay-at-home mom, a similar case can go for men. What happens if dad wants back into the workforce later on? What happens if mom loses her job, faces a salary cut or is unable to work for a period of time due to an injury or other unexpected circumstance?
The choice to stay at home is a familial one. In my case, as an entrepreneur, there was no consideration of getting back into the “work force”. It’s to raise the children in a specific way. I’m a homeschool dad. There was much discussion and planning between my wife and myself. No one else gets a say.
There’s no denying that childcare is one of the tallest expenses families face. The average annual cost of center-based care for a small child in the U.S. runs as high as $16,000 in states like Massachusetts, according to Child Care Aware of America’s 2013 report. For two children the annual expense can average as much as $28,600. These numbers can be much higher in metropolitan areas, rivaling the cost of sending a kid to college.”
A legitimate issue fixed by having one parent at home. Especially if a dual income is not sufficient for an expected quality of life. Often in middle class families, the second income is peanuts and is just enough to get the family into a higher tax bracket. This can be far more problematic than a single income.
“The mere economics of it all – especially if you have more than one child – can be enough to support the rationale that one parent should stop working to support life at home. And if you philosophically don’t believe in outsourced childcare to begin with, the decision to become a single-income family proves even more compelling.”
She only finds the cost and a philosophical objection to child care “compelling”. People who don’t outsource childcare because of a philosophical objection and because it’s cost prohibitive probably think these reasons far more than compelling. I find a far bigger risk to my family being someone else raising my kids with an opposing worldview; not which spouse is the primary breadwinner.
“With a baby soon on the way, my husband and I have crunched the numbers and learned that a quality day care facility in our Brooklyn neighborhood would run us about $500 to $600 a week. Meanwhile full-time at-home childcare – not including overtime – is more than $35,000 a year. For now, we’ve opted for the latter and have planned some serious spending cuts to make up for the monstrous expense. But add to our household a couple more kids down the road, perhaps a dog, a bigger home to accommodate, and the math would then likely favor designating my husband as Mr. Mom, still assuming our existing income disparity.
Even then, however, we’d rather outsource childcare for fear of the unknown. Is that crazy?”
She asks, I answer. Yes it’s crazy. Fear of the economic unknown, solely focused on money at the expense of your child’s worldview. It’s not only crazy, but in my view, appalling. Again, she asked.
“Perhaps not when you consider the facts of the matter. We know that women already pay a price for taking a leave of absence from the workforce. Sheryl Sandberg points out in her book Lean In that “women’s average annual earnings decrease by 20 percent if they are out of the workforce for just one year…30 percent after two to three years, which is the average amount of time professional women off-ramp from the workforce.
Research suggests the penalty may even be greater for men who temporarily exit the workforce. One study found that dads who left work for even a short period of time to cater to domestic matters earned lower evaluations and more negative performance ratings at work than women who opted out.”
So she finally gets to the “why it’s graver for men” to stop working, and stay at home. Her explanation boils down to this: One study conducted from human resources data, where at least one cross reference from the footnotes contradicts the findings of the entire study; says so.
“Single-income families are also at a higher risk of financial collapse, as one might guess. Researchers at Hope College and Cornell University found that, “Not only are two wages often necessary to adequately provide for the needs of most families, dual-earner couples are less economically vulnerable than single-earner families, for whom a layoff can mean financial collapse.”
These people write these short articles with virtually no variables considered. The purpose of her article is to tell us what not to do. I certainly wouldn’t decide based on her article.
She does not mention what those incomes are, or the spending habits of the family. It really does matter. For example, you have 2 families who live where the median income is 50k. The single income family are savers and bring in 80k, but the dual income spend thrifts bring in 60k ? The Single income family will be in much better position in a recession.
All families, who live beyond their means are at risk of “collapse” if they don’t prepare for it. Americans are in debt with no savings. This is debt slavery. This is true of dual and single income households. Most of us have a bit of scrambling to do when the economy turns downward, or we have a family emergency. The key is what you do with what you have, resource wise, to prepare for, and mitigate the effects.
“A single-income household can also result in more stress for her. As it stands, wives who earn more admit to feeling more pressure to “make it all work,” especially when it comes to the family’s finances. “
Women who chose careers should be honest with themselves as to why they do it. They don’t owe me any explanation. I couldn’t care less about their choices. However, when a person goes public to tell everyone else how to run their homes, they should be addressed.
The average American Family, who is debt ridden with no savings, 2 kids in daycare with 2 wage earners makes no sense to me. I find this scenario completely avoidable. It’s one giant snowball of choices that can lead to the financial risks she’s speaking of.
An academic survey I co-authored with Brad Klontz, a clinical psychologist, found that when she makes more she is significantly more likely to be the primary decision-maker on money matters and take charge of things like paying bills, budgeting, saving and planning for retirement.”
And a greater number of women who earn a bigger paycheck wish their partner or spouse would carry more of the financial burden in the relationship.
When you wish upon a star…
“And if he’s not making any money, where does this leave her?”
With a closet full of shoes that aren’t paid off. What’s this woman’s point?
“There is a possible happy medium to this, as many stay-at-home moms have discovered: earn income from home as a part-time freelancer or entrepreneur while you commit to raising your family or, if possible, ask your employer about telecommuting a few days a week.”
Finally, something sensible! It’s also what this Homeschool Dad has known all along. Also, those with a history of entrepreneurship!
“But even those options are easier said than done. Not everyone can find a way to make decent money from home given their area of expertise; juggling work and little ones in the same space can be harder than one expects; and telecommuting isn’t possibly for many.”
I think she’s wrote this article to try to convince her husband to either continue working, or go back to work. If he’s not going to Homeschool the kids, maybe she has a genuine concern. This however isn’t mentioned. Or perhaps, his tuna casserole isn’t any good.
She finishes with this:
“When you consider the potential risks of not generating any money as a partner, however, earning an income is simply necessary. Not to mention, keeping your toe in the workforce is a way to still explore and satisfy other needs that go beyond that of Super Mom or Dad.”
Spend thrifts who accumulate debt, with no consideration of their child’s world view will likely find her advice to be confirmation with little help.
Conclusion
I’ll speak for me. The most important reason I’m home with the kids is to impart my world view without competition from the State and the religion of humanism put forth in all of it’s institutions. Teaching the children at home and relaying my entrepreneurial experiences to my wife while helping her make a transition from a full time day job, to a far more flexible career is one goal. This goal will help to achieve another goal that fulfills the desire for one or two family businesses.
We may be successful with this or we may not. But we’re aiming for a specific lifestyle.
There are some financial challenges that weren’t expected. Thus far, these challenges have been easily mitigated by prior planning, even on a single income.
No one is immune to unexpected health issues and the possibility of it being financially devastating. As with all strategies in life, you stand a better chance of success when they’re well thought out in advance.
There are millions of families who are thriving doing exactly what she says shouldn’t be done. These families are also not solely focused on money and career. These are future-oriented folks. They are folks who understand how important it is to instill responsible habits in children early. This isn’t happening in most daycares. If you choose to delegate the task of raising your children to others, it had better be to someone who supports your world view or you’re asking for trouble.
When it comes to raising a family, the old addage applies. You do what you can with what you’ve got. If it doesn’t comport with other people’s expectations, who cares?
If you want to read about stay at home dads who also love their work as homeschool dads; these are far more interesting reads:
https://www.familyeducation.com/school/how-homeschool/homeschooling-dads
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